Helping Someone Who Is Seriously Ill

Dealing with friends or relatives who are very sick (or fear they might be) is a challenge. What do you say to them? Do you try to cheer them up? Reassure them that things will be all right? Help them to see that they may grow even stronger through experiencing the illness? Should you ask them for details of their condition? Or just ignore the whole matter and act as if nothing serious has happened?

The most important thing to remember when someone you love is seriously ill is that THEY are the ones in pain (physical and/or emotional), and that your attention should be focused on what THEY need. "What could I do that would make you feel better?" is an excellent question to ask, although it may be a hard one for your friend or relative to answer (after all, most of us are taught not to burden others with our problems). It may surprise you to learn that, most often, what they need is simply someone to listen sympathetically, thereby sharing the burden of their suffering. Illness carries with it a whole gamut of feelings: fear, anger, disappointment, hopelessness, grief, perhaps guilt or
even shame. Someone who can be a loving witness to all of these feelings usually will be greatly appreciated. If you're curious about details of their situation, ask them if they feel like talking about it, rather than proceeding with twenty questions.

What if you feel too close to the situation and find the expression of deep emotions uncomfortable? While sometimes the person who is ill may find help from a professional therapist who is trained in precisely these areas, the contribution YOU can make is avoiding the mistake of ignoring the situation, glossing over or changing the subject. Few things in life disappoint more than when someone we love "isn't there for us" when we really need them. And there are few times in life when we need our loved ones more than when we're sick. Consider offering to listen, without needing to give any words of advice. Being present is all that is needed.

To talk about this article or any health-related concerns, you may leave a private, confidential message for Debby Jewett, Adath Jeshrurn Congregational Nurse at 952.215.3936 or nurse@adath.net

This article is provided to you by the Twin Cities Jewish Healing Program. It is adapted from an article written by Jim Weinstein, MBA, MFT, a life consultant and therapist based in Washington, D.C.